Today’s Blog every day in May challenge is to talk about something that you are afraid of. I’m scared of a lot of things – heights, rollercoasters that go too fast, fling you round and round or the dreaded upside down ones, being ‘up in the gods’ at a theatre, being in a plane crash, giant spiders, failing, getting food poisoning again – honestly the list goes on and on. So whilst I could realistically talk about all of these things and still meet the requirements of today’s challenge, I think I should probably scratch the surface a bit and mention something that terrifies me. Losing those that I love. I’m sure this is something a lot of people would be terrified of and I expect I’ll see a lot of posts on this topic today, but it is honestly the thing that scares me the most.
There are certain people in my life that I honestly don’t know how I could go on without. I also couldn’t bear to see them in pain or distress if they were even diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and I couldn’t handle not being there to see them reach their full potential, become the godparents to my (hopefully at one point in the distant future) children, life their dreams, celebrate all our future milestones together, beat me at board games, to never hear them laugh, to never receive a funny text of Snapchat from them and lots more besides. Often times at night when I’m trying to sleep or when I’m daydreaming I’ll have this horrific crazy thought in my head that someone close to me is ill, or I imagine that someone is in a tragic accident. And then my mind spirals into all the horrendous things that could happen to those I love and it truly terrifies me and turns me cold. That’s when I have to stop and remember the below – whatever will be, will be and I can’t worry about the things that I can’t control. However, that’s definitely easier said than done, especially when you start down this route of imaginings and when there are people in your life that mean more to you than yourself.
I’m fortunate that the only important people in my life that I’ve lost have been my grandparents and so whilst each time it was unbelievably sad, heart-wrenching, horrendous and something that I wish hadn’t happened. It wasn’t a shock that they died and I know that they died having achieved amazing things and knowing how important they were to me and all of our family. The thought of someone I love dying and not knowing how important they are to me, not becoming the person they’ve always dreamed of, to not be surrounded by the children and grandchildren they dream of or with dreams unfulfilled scares me. It literally renders me cold, terrified and depressed. I can only hope that this never happens and if it does I hope I’ll have the strength and ability to be helpful when needed. If the worst does happen, I am safe in the knowledge that those people know just how important they are to me as I hopefully show them this everyday with my actions.
Wow, morbid post alert. How’s that for a cheery Tuesday post. Not that I’m complaining though as I oddly enough enjoyed writing this post. I think there’s definitely something in facing your fear, articulating it and sharing it with others.